Hooking Up

By now I'm sure that you've heard that one of the founders of Manhunt and, until recently a board member, gave the maximum donation to the McCain presidential campaign. Also, Out Magazine recently published an interesting article on Manhunt and its impact on the lives of gay men.

Much has been written about how hookup sites, like Manhunt, affect our ability to be intimate. After reading these articles, I began to reflect more about how these sites impact our ability to be fully present in our bodies. While hookup sites give us an outlet for our sexual expression, I am concerned that online porn can numb us to body sensations. Also, hookup sites have great potential to change our relationship with our own bodies.

OK, time for full disclosure. These sites aren't unfamiliar to me. I have profiles on several hookup sites (The photo in this issue is from one of my profiles.) I've felt the allure of potentially meeting my fantasy man. Yes, I've hooked up with guys I've met through the net. Sometimes these hookups have been fun; other times, it's been a bust.

I also understand the draw to online porn. Viewing a hot scene definitely gets my attention and gets my juices flowing. Online porn is more real than much of what is produced commercially. There's also much more variety available online. Some of what's available online isn't available at all commercially.

My relationship with these sites is a paradox. Although I understand the draw, I also have some concerns. Hookup sites present picture after picture of generally headless naked bodies - real men reduced to a few pics and a paragraph. For many of us these profiles become our hypersexual alter ego. Many men experience guilt or shame around our sexuality. Creating such a hypersexual personality can actually increase the guilt and shame because of the large gap between our sexual and non-sexual personalities. Also, many men have experienced performance anxiety around sex - that strong noise that we have to perform up to some expectation. I see many men who are concerned about a perceiving decline in their sexual energy. Do all these hypersexual profiles fuel such concerns?

These sites usually focus on the younger crowd. It seems to me that the average age of guys on Manhunt is somewhere in the late 20's. I know there are sites that cater to older people, but I'm concerned about the messages we're sending about ageism. Gay culture is terrible about honoring our elders and looking at older people as sexual beings. I work with many men who wish to keep a healthy sexual life while getting older. These sites tend to shun out older men and give younger men uninformed attitudes about being sexual throughout our lifetime.

Does the ability to order sexual partners like pizza change the way we look at fantasy and reality? What's the impact of being able to find a guy with the right face, age, looks and likes? I've heard from many men that the guys they meet online rarely live up to their expectations. Yes, some guys stretch the truth in their profiles, but can anyone, no matter who they are, possibly live up to our often unrealistic expectations? Do we create such an extreme fantasy of the perfect playmate that no one could possibly live up to our fantasy? Does this create more temptation for guys to bend the truth in their profiles?

It's so easy to get sucked into what we're viewing that we can disconnect from body sensations. I've seen men who spend hour after hour looking at images on the computer yet feel numb. Again, porn can be a wonderful spark but it also can take us out of the experience. If you're finding yourself at the computer a lot turn it off and spend some time connecting with yourself or your partner. Enjoy the hookup sites but also get out and connect in other ways.