 Putting
Myself Out There
I've had the privilege of working with many men over the last few
years. We've covered many different issues but one theme that
comes up a lot is a concern around body image. Our culture puts a premium
on a certain body type. For most of us this body type is just not possible.
Queer culture is much worse. Not only does queer culture strongly
identify with a certain body image, we add ageism to this mix. I had
someone come to me worried that he was over the hill - at 30!
So, this concern around body image creates this gap between what we
think we look like and what we think we should look like. This gap can
be hard for many men to reconcile.
I identify with this issue because I've wrestled with this one a lot
myself. When I was younger I was the fat kid. Worse, I was the queer,
fat kid. As a result, I developed a hate/hate relationship with my body.
I always wanted to be someone else. Or at least have someone else's
body! This fed that inner demon that all of us have. My demon kept
telling me that I wasn't worth much because my body was so ugly. To me
this demon was very real and constantly present.
Over the years I lost much of the fat, started a workout routine and
started to pay more attention to what I ate. I also matured and my body lost
some of the fat. Yet, these feelings of so many years ago kept nagging
me. Sometimes my inner demon got very vocal and I felt terrible about
myself. This demon is still with me to this day.
The difference for me is that I recognize the demon for who he is. He
keeps me from being my best. He sabotages my efforts at self-acceptance
and growth. He is that voice that tries to tell me that I can't do it.
Regardless of what 'it' is.
For me one of the ways I confront this demon is to keep putting
myself out there. All the photos of me on the website are one way of
shutting my demon up. Also, my personal practice of mindful self-pleasuring
keeps my demon quiet. I focus inward on the pleasure in my body. I don't
focus lots of energy on porn. Sure, porn can be nice to look at, but for
me it can also feed my demon. The voce is that I'll never be like those
guys I'm watching. When I'm focused on the pleasure in my body my demon
is very quiet. The pleasure generated in my body tells me that I am
perfect the way I am.
Of course, this internal battle wasn't concerned with who I am.
Rather it was concerned with what I thought I looked like. It wasn't
until much later that I came to understand that what I look like has
nothing to do with who I am!
Win a Chance at an iPod Shuffle!
So, why am I writing about this topic this month? I'm confronting my
demon again and have entered the 2008
Bare Chest Calendar
contest. The contest and calendar raise a lot of money for the San
Francisco AIDS Emergency Fund and Positive Resource Center. I'll be
competing at the
Powerhouse in SF on Thursday January 18!
Come on out to chat with me and buy some raffle tickets. The money
supports some important community causes. And you can help me keep my
demon quiet too!
I hope to see you on the 18th and I wish you a great new year! You
are perfect the way you are too! Ed |
